Long time, no post - April 2, 2010

Alexander was 16 weeks on Wednesday. For all of you that don't think in weeks, that's 4 months. He weighed 10 pounds at his last appointment 2 weeks ago. Sometimes he'll sleep for 4 hours straight. We had family photos taken yesterday. He's getting better at holding up his head. He kicks his legs a lot. He's grasping and grabbing things now. Especially your hair or a piece of fabric. He can track items and people. He will stare right at you and smile the most beautiful smile you have ever seen. He can truly see you now. He's taking it all in. He prefers to sleep on his stomach. He burps better if you place him on your belly or over your shoulder. He eats 120 cc's (4 ounces) of formula every 3-4 hours. He nurses 2-3 times a day as a snack (mostly at night or on the weekends). He eats Nutramigen Lipil - $20 for a 12 oz can! A 12 ounce can lasts for 4 days of eating. Fortunately, our pediatrician has been giving us free samples. We have only had to buy 2 cans on our own thus far. He sleeps in his own room, in his crib. He has the overhead fan on medium, the lamp with a 40 watt bulb and a sound machine on high. His bedtime is between 8 & 9pm and if he's still asleep in the morning, he gets woken up between 6:45 and 7:15 by being picked up, kissed, sang to, changed and the overhead light on and NPR on the radio. Daddy drops him off at Aunt Leisa's in the morning before work (about 8am) and mommy picks him up in the evening after work (about 5pm). He gets 2 baths a week, Wednesdays and Sundays. He doesn't always sleep in the car seat, but can usually soothe himself if he's awake. He likes to hold my right first finger with his hand while I'm driving. He tries to swat at greenie the frog in his car seat. He cluster feeds from 5-8pm almost daily. Sometimes he wakes up at 5:30 in the morning and doesn't go back to sleep until Aunt Leisa's around 9am. He likes to sit and sometimes sleep in his vibrating chair. He goes weeks without apnea issues and then a week ago had 2 apnea episodes (one in the middle of the day at Aunt Leisa's and once at home in the middle of the night) but came out of them completely on his own. He can stand if you hold his hands. He behaves like he'll start walking before he crawls. He likes to be sang to when you're changing his diaper, changing his clothes, getting him into his car seat, or just hanging out with him. I make up nonsensical songs all the time. One of them is about the amount of waste he creates even though he's so small. He laughs when I sing this one, as if he knows what I'm saying. Known songs include, the wheels on the bus, she'll be coming 'round the mountain, the itsy bitsy spider, my favorite things and que sera sera. I've been singing the last one since he was 2 weeks old. This is a goodie to sing to calm him down. Nursing will calm him down instantly. He usually nurses 5 minutes on each side and then eats his entire bottle afterwards. I am weaning us off of nursing now. I was never his sole provider of food. It is now an act of comfort and not nutrition. I will miss it when we no longer have this bonding, but know that we will have other ways to bond. I have been sticking my tongue out at him since he was 2 weeks old to see if he could mimic me. He's quite good at it now and seems to stick out his tongue a lot! Oops. Daddy says we're no longer raising a goat (his premature grunting noises) but rather a reptile (the sticking out of the tongue). Hopefully he'll outgrow this bad habit I have started and continue to perpetuate.

Routine

Today I started a new routine plan with Alexander. I have written down when he is fussy, when he is awake and in good spirits and when he has slept. My hopes is to find a routine that will work for him and for me during the day and for the 3 of us at night. Tonight we gave him a bath right before he was screaming hungry (in hindsight we probably should have given him the bath 30 minutes earlier), fed him and then I read him a book and put him in his bassinet. The lights have been low, the sound machine is on, the tv is on mute and I have been quietly paying bills and getting some quiet time on the laptop. I read that routine is very helpful to babies. It is also very helpful for us parents. So, I am going to work to stay on a routine for this entire week. The goal is to get him to differentiate between day and night (he is still totally screwed up on this) and to create a safe and secure environment for him in which he knows what to expect of his surroundings (for the most part and until the routine changes again to meet his needs). I understand that what ever routine I come up with today, could easily change 8 days from now. However, I think starting a routine is a good idea for all of us. It will also be beneficial for Aunt Leisa who will be watching him starting next week when I return to work (that topic will take pages and pages to anguish over, so I'll save that for later).

To compare this to the girls (which by the way I hardly ever do anymore because it's totally NOT the same thing AT ALL). But, for example, I get up at 7/7:15 daily and feed the girls. When dad gets home from work I walk the girls, they get an after walk treat and then I feed the girls again around 6/7. Then after they eat their dinner, they get their glucosamine vitamins. They have a pretty set routine and are quite used to it. In fact, when dad gets home they start staring me down until I start putting on the tennis shoes and they start running around and whining. The girls have a pretty regular routine and like it but I know that Alex won't have it so regular, but at least we're starting somewhere.

As of right now, it's 8pm CST. He has been in his bassinet since 6:30pm CST. He slept quietly for the first 40 minutes. Since then he has grunted and cried (for less than 10 seconds at a time!) and made his usual sounds but nothing that warrants the mom in me to pick him up and hold him (which I do more often than some say I should - poo on them). This is a definite first for us. The last time I put him in his bed and let him groan it out was the first week he was home in late January and that did not go over well. None of us got any sleep for days. That sucked.

It has now been 2 hours since his last feeding. Which means that he'll be hungry in an hour to 2 hours. I will do my best to continue with this process throughout the night. I'll tell you now though, I'm sure it will be difficult for me to sleep in this chair or on the couch without holding him. I have grown very accustomed to holding my boy almost all day and all night long. He's sleeping quietly again now that it's 8:10pm CST. As for how well I do, we'll have to wait and see.

New Methods

The vibrating chair has become a lifesaver this last week. Instead of putting him in his bassinet during the day, he hangs out in his vibrating chair. Besides creating an environment that calms him down and helps him redirect his focus, it's a great ankle workout. If I put a foot on each side and apply pressure, the vibrating chair becomes a bit of a bouncy swing. This combination has proven to be helpful with his colic and is making my ankles sore to boot.

After being home with Alexander for almost 3 weeks, I have learned what his different cries mean and how to give him what he needs based on those different cries. Just recently I have learned to try and burp him when he gets fussy and it's been less than 3 hours since his last feeding. This fussiness is more often than not just gas. After burping him he settles down until he's actually hungry and shows signs of hunger not just fussiness.

Andrew has figured out a way to lay Alex on the couch with him and get sleep. He does this between 3am and 7am during his living room shift. It seems to work well for them and Andrew gets a few extra hours of sleep that helps with him going to work. I am currently unable to do the couch sleep and instead spend my 5 hour shift (10pm-3am) watching recorded shows (Grey's, House, The West Wing and most recently, The Olympics), reading, paying bills, feeding Alex, researching for childcare online etc. This schedule works pretty well for us now. I do require a nap of 1-2 hours in the middle of the afternoon to keep me going on just 4 hours of sleep. This week I have Andrew's mother Gail to thank for my naps and the 2 weeks before that, GrAunt Leisa. Like I said, it's working now. However, I'm not sure how this will all play itself out once I return to work in a few weeks. It will be very difficult to work on just 4 hours of sleep a night. However, Andrew has been doing it on 5 bed hours plus 3-4 couch hours for 3 weeks now and without the naps.

Milk Supply is Declining

I've been a slacker this last week. I haven't pumped every 2-3 hours like I should. It's starting to have a negative impact on his feedings. Breast milk is all about supply and demand. When he was in the hospital and I nursed him, it was enough. He was full. The first few days he was home it kept him full for 2 -3 hours. Now there's not enough. He's still hungry right afterwards. It's much harder than I thought it would be. It's not as easy to put him down after bottle feeding him and then pump to keep up the supply. Sometimes he just screams and cries when you put him down, so I continue to hold him and don't pump. Other times, I'm just so tired, that I sleep through a pumping just so I can get some rest. I take a Tylenol PM so I can actually sleep for 4 hours straight without hearing everything. Rest is essential with a newborn (adjusted age = -1 week). This doesn't help the milk supply either. But I think that sleep for me is the better choice sometimes.

All of my girlfriends were able to do it for at least 9 months. I thought that I could too. It's been 9 weeks today that I have been pumping and/or breastfeeding him. I'm down to 50 cc's of milk in the fridge. That's enough for one feeding (mixed with half formula) and a dose of vitamins. I'm frantic now and am pumping every 2 hours. I'm hoping that even though I'm not eating enough, not drinking enough water, not sleeping enough; that my body will produce the milk anyway. I had to give him 30 cc's of just formula on Monday, it upset his stomach more than usual and he cried and cried afterwards. I don't want to do that to him again.

Are there any other alternatives to breastmilk other than formula that would be better for his digestive system? I feel like I'm failing him in the food department.

The Sound of Apnea

The monitor just went off. He stopped breathing for 20 seconds plus. It's a frightening sound. It startles you. It's even worse at 2:30 in the morning when you're half awake. If I could sleep, I would. Now that the monitor has gone off, I'm paranoid that it's going to go off again. I keep nodding off and then I hear him grunt and groan, he occasionally shrieks. It stirs me back awake. It's difficult to sleep through his little noises. I worry that one of his noises will be him spitting up and choking and I'm not there to immediately help him because I fell asleep.

Andy let me take the first shift of sleep at 9:30 tonight. I was unable to sleep for the first hour. I heard every cry and then came out to the living room to help out a messy changing session. At 10:30 I told Andy to go ahead and go to bed and that I'd stay awake first. Now it's 3:15 and I can barely stay awake. I really want to go in there and switch, but he has to work tomorrow and needs his sleep more than I do. Don't get me wrong, sleep for me is also necessary, but I might be able to sleep in the morning with Alexander (if he sleeps soundly in the early hours) or take a nap if Aunt Leisa comes over.

My goal is to make it to 4. This will give him 5 1/2 hours of uninterrupted sleep and me 3. We'll see if I make it. Maybe I'll doze off some in the living room recliner. Grunt, cry, groan says Alexander.

Or maybe not.

What's the Matter

Other than the first night at home of no sleep, the last 13 hours have been the most difficult to deal with. He has been changed, burped and fed (he hasn't taken from the breast since 7pm) yet he cries incessantly. The only way to get him to stop is for me to hold him horizontal in the recliner and rock. Everytime I put him down in his bassinet, he screams. If I weren't exhausted I could stay like this. But I'm exhausted. I'm reminded of the story my mom told me about tying herself and one of us to a rocking chair so she wouldn't drop us if she did fall asleep. She would place a pillow behind the baby and used a strap to hold the pillow to the baby, the baby to her chest and the rocking chair to her back. I'm not there yet, but getting closer.

TV, Radio and Internet

These are my 3 outlets to my world. Television, Radio and the Internet. The reality of my day exists in my living room. Thanks to the rarrangement of the furniture, I can see out my picture window to the street. I love to see the sun. It changes the feel of the living room to have some sun streaming in. My goal is to differentiate day and night for Alex. Maybe he'll start cooing in the day and sleeping at night.

I have been spending my waking hours watching the Australian Open, Season 5 of LOST, reruns of the West Wing, Star Trek: TNG and House. On occasion, I'll watch a movie or the weather channel. I went from being a 60 + hour a week workaholic, to a stay at home mom who spends her day doing the following: nursing, laundry, dishes, diapers, swaddling, kissing, staring, loving, rocking and occasionally checking in with work. In the background sounds the TV, NPR or the clicking of my laptop.

He's been home for one week. I've worked more hours this week than I did the week before Christmas in 2008 and on much less sleep. I didn't think that would be possible.

Second Day

Let the games begin.

Wow - last night totally sucked. I think that was the most tired I have ever been in my entire life. Now, I have stayed up for 36 hours straight working on a term paper and I was tired then. But this is much different. Last night I had to be alert and aware of every single sound and then be awake enough to get up every 2 1/2 hours (not that I was sleeping in between these times) and change his diaper, then attempt to breastfeed (hard to do in bed, when tired and not getting enough hydration for yourself), give up on breastfeeding after 10-15 minutes, warm up the bottle, feed him the bottle, change his diaper again and then put him back in his cosleeper. After all of this you would think that you could sleep. Nope. Instead, you hear every single groan, grunt and coo.

I think I may have slept for 30 minutes last night. Long enough to have this dream: I'm riding my bike (shwinn) to Andrew Kupersmith's house on Armour and Central. It's warm outside and late. It's a beautiful night. Then I start to worry that I didn't tell Andy (my Andy) where I was going and I didn't bring my cell phone and if Alex wakes up and he doesn't know where I am he'll panic and what if something happens to Alex and Andy needs his sleep to go to work in the morning.

I wake up to the sounds of Alex grunting and Andy snoring. At least one of us (two?) is sleeping.

My saving grace today (Thursday) was Aunt Leisa. She came over at 10 this morning and gave me a 2 hour nap. Then after taking care of Alex for his changing/feeding/changing and my pumping, she gave me another 2 hour nap. I truly don't believe I could have continued on in my lack of sleep/depressed state any longer. After emotionally breaking down about how tired and sick I was feeling (When I don't sleep I get sick. When I get sick from lack of sleep, I can't eat. Then I worry that I won't produce enough milk and I get more sick. It's a vicious cycle) around 8:30pm last night (Thursday), Andy took the first shift and let me sleep for 3 1/2 hours. Now I'm on the night shift in the living room, hoping to give Andy some sleep.

Now it's 3:22am and Alexander and I are in the living room. He's grunting and groaning, Annie is asleep on the couch and I am sitting in the recliner, thinking about turning on the Australian Open. A benefit of being awake in the middle of the night is watching tennis live and not recorded live. I wonder if Alexander would be awake or asleep if he was in Australia? Does a baby know what time zone they're in?

First Day

I'll admit it. I'm tired. This is day 1 at home. I'll admit it, I brought him inside in his car seat, placed him on the dining room table and freaked out for a minute. Holy shit. Totally responsible for another life. This little guy is completely helpless and I must do by him the absolute best.

I carried him into the bathroom this afternoon when I was home alone. I held him while I went to the bathroom because I didn't know where to put him that was safe. Fortunately, I have calmed down a bit since then.

Dad just fed him a bottle and put him back to bed. I'm pumping because the nursing is hit and miss the last few days. The boy's gotta eat and I gotta keep up my supply.

The girls are handling the new addition better than I thought they would. Ok, Annie is doing better than Sadie, but overall they're more curious than anything else. God bless them for that. Andy took them to the groomer today. They look, feel and smell great. Speaking of the girls, Annie is staring at me from the sofa. It's time to give her some love before I try to sleep some more.

Night.

Coming Home

My son is coming home tomorrow. I feel like I'm experiencing all of the emotions at once.

Since I have to take his monitor with him everywhere he goes (and immediately plug it in when I get where I'm/he's going), a few random questions:

Can I leave him in his bassinet to go to the bathroom or do I need to bring him with me?

Can I leave him in his bassinet to make some lunch or do I need to bring him with me?

I imagine I'll take him with me?

I might find some of these answers in the next 24 hours in the Family Care Unit.

Wish me luck and pray that I don't freak out about everything.

Benefits of Music on babies

If playing classical music is supposed to stimulate thought process for babies. What would playing reggae or folk music do? I have been listening to Bob Marley's Gold album today and since it calms me and makes me happy, would it have the same affect on Alexander? What about Fleetwood Mac's Dreams album?

41 days old

He passed his eye exam with flying colors. No amblyopia (thank goodness). He has officially gained 2 pounds since he was born. He has grown 3 inches in length. He is developmentally hitting the same milestones as a newborn who is born full-term. He's starting to get fussy and he cries when he's hungry and I'm taking too long to feed him. It sounds a lot like a newborn baby. The only difference is, he's only 34 1/2 weeks gestational age and is still working on maintaining his temperature.

By the way, Andy and I are just fine with him staying in the hospital until he's ready to come home. We don't want him to come home and then have to go back into the hospital. He still has bradys (which scare the shit out of me) and is borderline on his temp. Like Dr. Haynes said yesterday, he's just a little guy.

He's doing so well in all of the other areas, most people assume that he should be ready to go home. He's not. He'll let us know when he is. He's a Smith/Bayles and by nature is an over-achiever but he's also stubborn. When he's 36 weeks gestational age (January 29), he'll start turning the corner. Just you wait and see.

Breastfeeding & Other Difficulties

It's not easy. It's harder than I thought it would be. My breasts are at least 1 cup size larger than they have ever been. So, I think that this will make breastfeeding easier. Nope. I know it sounds like I'm complaining. I'm not. I'm whining. I'm frustrated.

I can pump every 3 hours and create 2 ounces of milk. He can and does drink it from the bottle 6 out of his 8 feedings a day. It's not that I can't create it. It's that it's too hard for him to get it from the breast.

So, why is it so much more frustrating today? Well, they took his g-tube out today. Which by the way, is fantastic news. The only problem is, I can no longer "try" to breastfeed and then follow up with the g-tube. Instead, I get to "try" to breastfeed and then follow up with a bottle.

Well, this morning Alexander had a fantastic nurse. Her name is Kristen. I would like to hire this nurse to come over to the house every 3 hours and help me breastfeed Alexander. Of course this is impossible, but a girl can dream. She gets me this contraption called a nipple shield. It creates a suction feeling like a bottle so that his preemie mouth can create a good suction and nurse from the breast. This morning it went swimmingly, this evening not so much.

Eva (eh-vah) is his nurse tonight and was his nurse last night. She's not very personable. In fact, she stared at me while I attempted to get the nipple shield on tonight and did not offer to help. She did offer TWICE to get me a smaller one. I repeated TWICE that this is the exact same one I used this morning and it worked just fine. By the way, the one I'm using is the smallest one they make. So, to add insult to injury, I'm floundering here trying to feed my child and she continues to not help me. Kristen on the other hand, helped me to get it on and helped Alexander to latch on. So why was it so difficult for Eh-vah to help me?

I was finally able to get the damn thing suctioned on and Alexander nursed for over 30 minutes. I was able to burp him after each breast, so I assume that he got enough to eat. But who knows. By the way, it's subjective. This is a favorite word of the nursing staff when it comes to determining if the baby gets enough to eat from the breast. Subjective. Well, if you know me, this answer sucks. I want details. I want science. I want precise. Too bad for me. I'm not gonna get it, because you can't really measure it. So now I'm worried that he hasn't had enough to eat and will lose weight and have a bradycardia.

In short, I am a mess.

He's getting bigger and stronger. He's gaining weight (he's 4 pounds and 1 ounce) and he's growing (an inch longer than when born). He will soon be out of the isolet and into a crib. It could be as early as tomorrow night!

Here is the problem. I have been spoiled. I have had fantastic (except for maybe eh-vah) nurses taking care of Alexander for a month now. How could I possibly do as well as they have? How do I not work and stay home all day and care for him? Am I a bad mom for wanting to work? How do I work and care for him? Didn't I show work that I can work from a hospital room for 5 weeks? Even so, I don't have any faith that my job will be flexible or elpful to me. Just remember Amy Miranda. How many hours of her life did she give to them and they just took her job away. Why should I be any different? The thought of not working and taking care of someone that I can't have a conversation with scares the hell out of me. How does a workaholic become a stay at home mom? Even for just 2 - 6 weeks?

How do I forgive myself for wanting to work AND be a mom? Can I be successful at both and be happy? Haven't I wanted this my entire life? Why is it so scary? Shouldn't it be more instinctive? What does Alexander deserve and need? What do I?

How did I end up here when I started off whining about the difficulties of breastfeeding?

I just called the hospital. He's sleeping well. He is absolutely content. Apparently I did feed him what he needed. Apparently I'm doing ok. Maybe I should give myself a break. Maybe I should remember that this is my first time. Maybe I should remember that it's been a difficult road and Alexander and I are doing just fine. Maybe I sould remember that I have Andy and my supportive friends and family. Maybe I should praise God for our perfect little boy (which I do daily). Maybe I should just breathe.

In 2, 3, 4, out 2, 3, 4...