New Methods

The vibrating chair has become a lifesaver this last week. Instead of putting him in his bassinet during the day, he hangs out in his vibrating chair. Besides creating an environment that calms him down and helps him redirect his focus, it's a great ankle workout. If I put a foot on each side and apply pressure, the vibrating chair becomes a bit of a bouncy swing. This combination has proven to be helpful with his colic and is making my ankles sore to boot.

After being home with Alexander for almost 3 weeks, I have learned what his different cries mean and how to give him what he needs based on those different cries. Just recently I have learned to try and burp him when he gets fussy and it's been less than 3 hours since his last feeding. This fussiness is more often than not just gas. After burping him he settles down until he's actually hungry and shows signs of hunger not just fussiness.

Andrew has figured out a way to lay Alex on the couch with him and get sleep. He does this between 3am and 7am during his living room shift. It seems to work well for them and Andrew gets a few extra hours of sleep that helps with him going to work. I am currently unable to do the couch sleep and instead spend my 5 hour shift (10pm-3am) watching recorded shows (Grey's, House, The West Wing and most recently, The Olympics), reading, paying bills, feeding Alex, researching for childcare online etc. This schedule works pretty well for us now. I do require a nap of 1-2 hours in the middle of the afternoon to keep me going on just 4 hours of sleep. This week I have Andrew's mother Gail to thank for my naps and the 2 weeks before that, GrAunt Leisa. Like I said, it's working now. However, I'm not sure how this will all play itself out once I return to work in a few weeks. It will be very difficult to work on just 4 hours of sleep a night. However, Andrew has been doing it on 5 bed hours plus 3-4 couch hours for 3 weeks now and without the naps.

Milk Supply is Declining

I've been a slacker this last week. I haven't pumped every 2-3 hours like I should. It's starting to have a negative impact on his feedings. Breast milk is all about supply and demand. When he was in the hospital and I nursed him, it was enough. He was full. The first few days he was home it kept him full for 2 -3 hours. Now there's not enough. He's still hungry right afterwards. It's much harder than I thought it would be. It's not as easy to put him down after bottle feeding him and then pump to keep up the supply. Sometimes he just screams and cries when you put him down, so I continue to hold him and don't pump. Other times, I'm just so tired, that I sleep through a pumping just so I can get some rest. I take a Tylenol PM so I can actually sleep for 4 hours straight without hearing everything. Rest is essential with a newborn (adjusted age = -1 week). This doesn't help the milk supply either. But I think that sleep for me is the better choice sometimes.

All of my girlfriends were able to do it for at least 9 months. I thought that I could too. It's been 9 weeks today that I have been pumping and/or breastfeeding him. I'm down to 50 cc's of milk in the fridge. That's enough for one feeding (mixed with half formula) and a dose of vitamins. I'm frantic now and am pumping every 2 hours. I'm hoping that even though I'm not eating enough, not drinking enough water, not sleeping enough; that my body will produce the milk anyway. I had to give him 30 cc's of just formula on Monday, it upset his stomach more than usual and he cried and cried afterwards. I don't want to do that to him again.

Are there any other alternatives to breastmilk other than formula that would be better for his digestive system? I feel like I'm failing him in the food department.

The Sound of Apnea

The monitor just went off. He stopped breathing for 20 seconds plus. It's a frightening sound. It startles you. It's even worse at 2:30 in the morning when you're half awake. If I could sleep, I would. Now that the monitor has gone off, I'm paranoid that it's going to go off again. I keep nodding off and then I hear him grunt and groan, he occasionally shrieks. It stirs me back awake. It's difficult to sleep through his little noises. I worry that one of his noises will be him spitting up and choking and I'm not there to immediately help him because I fell asleep.

Andy let me take the first shift of sleep at 9:30 tonight. I was unable to sleep for the first hour. I heard every cry and then came out to the living room to help out a messy changing session. At 10:30 I told Andy to go ahead and go to bed and that I'd stay awake first. Now it's 3:15 and I can barely stay awake. I really want to go in there and switch, but he has to work tomorrow and needs his sleep more than I do. Don't get me wrong, sleep for me is also necessary, but I might be able to sleep in the morning with Alexander (if he sleeps soundly in the early hours) or take a nap if Aunt Leisa comes over.

My goal is to make it to 4. This will give him 5 1/2 hours of uninterrupted sleep and me 3. We'll see if I make it. Maybe I'll doze off some in the living room recliner. Grunt, cry, groan says Alexander.

Or maybe not.

What's the Matter

Other than the first night at home of no sleep, the last 13 hours have been the most difficult to deal with. He has been changed, burped and fed (he hasn't taken from the breast since 7pm) yet he cries incessantly. The only way to get him to stop is for me to hold him horizontal in the recliner and rock. Everytime I put him down in his bassinet, he screams. If I weren't exhausted I could stay like this. But I'm exhausted. I'm reminded of the story my mom told me about tying herself and one of us to a rocking chair so she wouldn't drop us if she did fall asleep. She would place a pillow behind the baby and used a strap to hold the pillow to the baby, the baby to her chest and the rocking chair to her back. I'm not there yet, but getting closer.

TV, Radio and Internet

These are my 3 outlets to my world. Television, Radio and the Internet. The reality of my day exists in my living room. Thanks to the rarrangement of the furniture, I can see out my picture window to the street. I love to see the sun. It changes the feel of the living room to have some sun streaming in. My goal is to differentiate day and night for Alex. Maybe he'll start cooing in the day and sleeping at night.

I have been spending my waking hours watching the Australian Open, Season 5 of LOST, reruns of the West Wing, Star Trek: TNG and House. On occasion, I'll watch a movie or the weather channel. I went from being a 60 + hour a week workaholic, to a stay at home mom who spends her day doing the following: nursing, laundry, dishes, diapers, swaddling, kissing, staring, loving, rocking and occasionally checking in with work. In the background sounds the TV, NPR or the clicking of my laptop.

He's been home for one week. I've worked more hours this week than I did the week before Christmas in 2008 and on much less sleep. I didn't think that would be possible.

Second Day

Let the games begin.

Wow - last night totally sucked. I think that was the most tired I have ever been in my entire life. Now, I have stayed up for 36 hours straight working on a term paper and I was tired then. But this is much different. Last night I had to be alert and aware of every single sound and then be awake enough to get up every 2 1/2 hours (not that I was sleeping in between these times) and change his diaper, then attempt to breastfeed (hard to do in bed, when tired and not getting enough hydration for yourself), give up on breastfeeding after 10-15 minutes, warm up the bottle, feed him the bottle, change his diaper again and then put him back in his cosleeper. After all of this you would think that you could sleep. Nope. Instead, you hear every single groan, grunt and coo.

I think I may have slept for 30 minutes last night. Long enough to have this dream: I'm riding my bike (shwinn) to Andrew Kupersmith's house on Armour and Central. It's warm outside and late. It's a beautiful night. Then I start to worry that I didn't tell Andy (my Andy) where I was going and I didn't bring my cell phone and if Alex wakes up and he doesn't know where I am he'll panic and what if something happens to Alex and Andy needs his sleep to go to work in the morning.

I wake up to the sounds of Alex grunting and Andy snoring. At least one of us (two?) is sleeping.

My saving grace today (Thursday) was Aunt Leisa. She came over at 10 this morning and gave me a 2 hour nap. Then after taking care of Alex for his changing/feeding/changing and my pumping, she gave me another 2 hour nap. I truly don't believe I could have continued on in my lack of sleep/depressed state any longer. After emotionally breaking down about how tired and sick I was feeling (When I don't sleep I get sick. When I get sick from lack of sleep, I can't eat. Then I worry that I won't produce enough milk and I get more sick. It's a vicious cycle) around 8:30pm last night (Thursday), Andy took the first shift and let me sleep for 3 1/2 hours. Now I'm on the night shift in the living room, hoping to give Andy some sleep.

Now it's 3:22am and Alexander and I are in the living room. He's grunting and groaning, Annie is asleep on the couch and I am sitting in the recliner, thinking about turning on the Australian Open. A benefit of being awake in the middle of the night is watching tennis live and not recorded live. I wonder if Alexander would be awake or asleep if he was in Australia? Does a baby know what time zone they're in?

First Day

I'll admit it. I'm tired. This is day 1 at home. I'll admit it, I brought him inside in his car seat, placed him on the dining room table and freaked out for a minute. Holy shit. Totally responsible for another life. This little guy is completely helpless and I must do by him the absolute best.

I carried him into the bathroom this afternoon when I was home alone. I held him while I went to the bathroom because I didn't know where to put him that was safe. Fortunately, I have calmed down a bit since then.

Dad just fed him a bottle and put him back to bed. I'm pumping because the nursing is hit and miss the last few days. The boy's gotta eat and I gotta keep up my supply.

The girls are handling the new addition better than I thought they would. Ok, Annie is doing better than Sadie, but overall they're more curious than anything else. God bless them for that. Andy took them to the groomer today. They look, feel and smell great. Speaking of the girls, Annie is staring at me from the sofa. It's time to give her some love before I try to sleep some more.

Night.