Today was a very emotional day. I think I cried on at least 7 different occasions today. This mother role runs deeper than any relationship I have ever known. It has affected me in ways that I never knew existed. Holding Alex calms me and it is what I look forward to every day.
This morning, Andy and I were at the hospital and while holding him (he was being fed through the ng tube). He started to spit up and was flayling his arms and head around. We didn't know what to do to help him. His monitor went off and then the nurse came and in suctioned his nose and mouth so that he could breathe. We were so worried because neither one of us knew what to do to help him. It scared the hell out of me. He was giving us signs that he was in trouble and we didn't do anything because we didn't know what to do to help him. Thank God it happened in the NSCU and while he was on the monitors. How many possible scenarios will there be as a parent in which I don't have control and don't know how to make things better? Will I, will we, be able to save him from any number of situations? It's an overwhelming thought.
I can't continue to think about this or talk about this. Too much and it messes with my head.
After going back to the hospital tonight and holding him, I feel renewed. I can do this. I've wanted to do this, be a mom, for as long as I can remember. Holding him has calmed my soul for another night. I wonder if all first time moms feel this way?
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